Alone in her darkness

Alone in her darkness she allowed no one to know how far she had gone or how deep she had dug herself. She lay in her bed with the man that had vowed to love and cherish her forever asleep beside her. Her heart beating erratically, she could not breath, she would die in this bed was the thought that repeated itself over and over in her mind. She wanted to run she wanted to scream. Her life was slowing crumbling around her and all she could do was dig herself deeper and deeper into the abyss of her darkness.

She no longer connected with them she only existed. She watched them all live their lives around her while she inside just wanted to be alone. She felt smothered in her own skin and she felt like she was being suffocated when he got near her. Her anger towards him was over whelming so she kept her distance. She no longer spoke to him as lovers do; he had disappointed and broken her heart too many times. He was the reason that she had fled back to her dark prison. He was once a kindred spirit to her and now he was such a stranger. They would never find each other again; they would never be as they once were. She still accepted him in her heart but he no longer held the place he once had. She was no longer the woman he married she was now just a hollow shell.

THE TRUTH

Do you really want to know the truth?

I have come to terms with looking the truth in the eye and dealing with what stands before me. I can say with all honesty that it was not an appealing picture, but it was and is an enormous opportunity for me to experience life changing growth.

I had a very good friend tell me recently, “Would it have been better for you had you never known? What it had been easier for you if you continued to pretend this was not happening to you” I told him that I thought that his perception was interesting and very common and normal point of view.

Had I always been in the dark would I have ever missed the light?

I asked him if he had ever heard of the ever popular quote “The truth shall set you free”?

In my truth-seeking personal search I have found that periodically the truth is what gets us moving, gets our blood flowing and every so often it is the truth that truly saves our lives from the mediocrity that we have allowed ourselves to settle into. Sometimes in certain types of circumstances we find what our true intention and purpose in this world is and we learn to live life as it was intended to. We find that peace that has always eluded us. We find our smile.

Never fear the truth, it is there to liberate you and make you stronger. One of my favorite quotes has been greatly overused and if you ask any one if they know who originally said the words they never know but the words still ring true even 100 years after this man has died.

Out of life's school of war: What does not destroy me makes me stronger. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Good luck, get stronger.

Writing again and feeling good about it.
Fenix

I Stand - My MOST favorite thing I have ever written

I burn with rage when the flood of ill repent memories rushes me!

I condemn myself for all the idiocy I allowed myself to carry out or endure.

The flood has no remorse for me; it drowns me with its acid recollections.

I stand bold and unflinchingly brave, but deep inside… I curl up with fear and pain remembering all the tears and wretchedness.

I stand as it rushes me with all the inanity that I have accomplished in my lifetime.

I stand gallantly bearing its blows, but slowly falling apart like the sand of a child's castle when the tide comes in.

I stand as it shrieks…L E T G O…L E T G O….L E T G O

I stand as I feel myself overwhelmed with the wrath of past wounds…

I stand as I am submerged in this burning flood of pain, anger and rage

I stand and a fury overtakes me… I scream; "I CAN'T LET GO!"

I stand as this flood of blazing torture now whispers to me… "You can never heal if you never let go of the pain."

I close my eyes...

close my eyes and pray it all disappears.
Hoping that when my eyes open it will all be gone.
Awakening from a cocoon, will I emerge a different person?
Becoming a beautiful butterfly and no longer the timid caterpillar?
My biggest fear is that I have stepped back into my past,
that the evil presence somehow found me
and is claiming my future.
I notice things are somehow as they use to be,
I see that things are different but yet… the same.
Like waking from a nightmare just to realize you are still in it.
The setting and the people may be different but the dream is always the same.
How do you let go of the past when the past wont let go you?
I walk through dim halls carrying a tortured soul.
She speaks to me through unspoken words…
What are these words that come flowing out of my fingers and onto this very paper?
Are they the memories stored in my blood,
deep in my veins where they can hide and not be eliminated?
I close my eyes and pray it all disappears.
Hoping that when my eyes open it will all be gone

GROWING - A funnyshort story I wrote years ago

She stands on the scale and is not too shocked to see that just ten days ago she weighed about ten pounds less then she does today. She stares at the numbers as if coaxing them to change; "I'm growing" comes out of her mouth in an almost inaudible tone. She steps off the scale, blames the weight gain on retained fluid and begins her daily ritual of dressing, applying layer upon layer of spandex ands Lycra. She slips on her girdle for that "smoothing effect" then her all over control stockings for that "slimming effect" now that she can barely breath, she says to herself as she slips on her dress "Did this crap fit me this tight yesterday?"
She pulls on her blazer and walks over to the bathroom where the rest of the mornings formal procedure will commence. She applies her war paint for today's battle; Clinique and Maxfactor are the chosen shades of today's armor. She places in her visions tools (AKA contact lenses) into her tired eyes, she much prefers glasses but it is hard to wear what her size ten foot broke. Applying her lipstick she gapes at her lips, they look immense. She thinks to herself "Are they growing?" She walks back to her bedroom where the stench of human gasses just about knocks her over. She makes a mental note to tell the man that shares her bed that he has to get that looked at.
Standing in front of her jewelry box she contemplates the selection of the most appropriate baubles to mark the completion of this morning ritual.
Slipping on her shoes, she stands in front of the full-length mirror and instantly regrets the decision. "I AM GROWING!"
Tears in her eyes she decides and says aloud "Today is the day I will change my life, today is the day my eyes haveopened and the truth has been seen. I WILL NEVER BE FAT AGAIN!!"
"I thought you promised yourself that last week? Remember when your jeans wouldn't zip?" She hears in a mans voice from behind her.
She reject the urge to pull off her three inch heal and jab him with it so I guess she is growing.

The Nightmare

I was looking at some old stuff I wrote and remembering the pain and the heartache of my past life. I am no longer the person that wrote this piece or endured these things, I am a much stronger, wiser and better person now. I will never let this happen to me again...

Have you ever been in a relationship that was wrong but you had no way out? Have you ever endured something so tortuous that it gave you nightmares even years after it was over and you were in a safe place? I did and this is my nightmare...

I cower in fear trying to defend myself. I cry out "Please stop, please stop!" He shoves me; I go down so hard my contact lens falls out. He knocks me to ground and I find myself lying on the floor in front of the main entry of his home. He is now partially on top of me, he sees my contact lying on the floor; he steps on it as if he were putting out a cigarette. His fifteen year old brother is watching us from the stairs, he yells to him "GO AWAY, GO TO YOUR ROOM!" He puts his hand around my throat and demands that I "shut up and quit crying". He says to me that he is going to keep squeezing my throat until I stop crying. I know deep in my heart that one of us will die tonight. I know that finally, this horrific experience will be over. A fury ignites in me, my refusal to die as the victim. In a matter of seconds, in my mind's eye I see my parents, my brothers and my lost future. An inferno of rage has now been established in me. I no longer recoil, I fight and I pray that I get him at least once before I die from asphyxiation. I keep striking him but the man receiving the blows is no longer the man strangling me, but the man I am married to. I leap out of bed, confused, not knowing where I am. I look around startled realizing I am no longer in that man's home, I am safe in my husbands arms. I realize that this was just a dream, another nightmare among the hundreds I have already had over the years and I begin to cry. My husband knows what I was dreaming he does not need to ask he simply continues to comfort me as I weep. My husband reassures me and replies to my tears by saying "It's ok, you will never have to go through that again"