Excerpt from "THE SEDUCTION"

Her sleep was filled with restlessness, her dreams brimming with violent thoughts. Her mind haunted with visions of her lovers attempting to kill one another, fighting to stake their claim on her. They both wanted her and were willing to die to prove it. They sized each other up, murder occupying their eyes. She was the object of their obsession, nothing mattered to them but her, they would both rather die than accept the others victory. She could not understand the fierceness in their eyes. She had wanted them both and took what she needed from each, yet they stood facing each other ready to destroy their competition instead of aiming their fury at her, the true reason of their anger.

She cringed between them, true conflict breaking her heart. How had she ended up here? She truly was in love with Mateo her white night but she had and unseen and uncontrollable lustful bond to Alexander the beast that unlocked her heart so many years ago and never let her go.
Now after all of the secrets and all of the lies that she had carefully orchestrated they were faced off, no way for her to stop them, no way for her to calm them, at this moment she was not even seen by them.

Alexander’s growl growing from deep within his massive body, twice his rival’s size was answered by Mateo's low threatening hiss. Mateo’s slow fluid movements potent with predatory grace as he inched closer to Alexander, filling her with a terror she had never experienced in his presence. Alexander stood as motionless as a statue, his ferocious eyes never losing focus of Mateo. An aggressive and intimidating stance set by both of these powerful men in anticipation of the destructive battle to come.

She wanted them both, she was greedy with desire, she could in no way choose between her lovers. She had a carnal hunger for them, a yearning that could now only be satisfied by these two uncanny men. She hated them for putting her in this position but she hated herself more for putting them in this situation. Her love for one and her lust for the other were too strong for a mere human like her to deal with. She wanted what each of them offered her aching heart. She wanted to be truly loved and desired, she wanted to be the center of someone attention and universe. They fed her every emotion and that; she could never again live without.

She screamed as the two men lunged toward one another, only to wake up in a cold sweat, her husband lying by her lightly snoring. He had no idea of the things her heart desired or of the two extremely dangerous supernatural men that would be willing to kill to be with his invisible wife.

Deborah Navarro
Based on a true story that I made up in my head

Sitting In the Quiet of the Storm

Have you ever tried to quiet you mind through the ferocious storm of your thoughts?
Let me tell you, this is not an easy task.

A very close friend of mine has been trying to teach me how to quiet my mind and just be in order for me to better deal with the madness in my head in a healthier more balanced manner.

I could never do it. I tried over and over but the commotion and noise in my mind was always too loud for me to sit and feel quieted.

Have I finally figured it out?

YES!!
When did it ultimately happen?

In the end it washed over me when I was brimming with grief. The very moment my mind and heart were overflowing with emotion everything in my head quieted.
I heard nothing, I only felt.

(Feeling for me is a HUGE thing now days because I spent so many years becoming callused to emotion because of depressing relationships, abusive relationships, an unhealthy marriage and the list goes on and on… )

This overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss enveloped my essence and made me feel vulnerable and open, made me feel released.

Released you ask?

Yes, released. It was as if I had been walking through a haze and it was just now beginning to clear. I began to understand and see some of the things that had been dancing around my head and making me crazy in a more comprehensible perspective. I saw some of the issue in my life for what they were/are.

Had my perception of things changed?

Yes.

Sitting in the quiet, I saw a picture of what I wanted and what I felt was best for me but I also saw a representation of my life as a whole.

What do you stand for?

Who are you?

What do you want?

What do you need?

What is best?
These were all questions that floated around in the now quieted storm. These were questions that I did not look at with my BRAIN I instead attempted to approach them with my HEART.

Did I get the answers? No, not yet.

What did I get?

I got peace. My mind was no longer running faster than I could. My mind is clearer and I can see things better and analyze the issues in my life in a more insightful method now. I am no longer fighting to keep my footing in the storm, I am now standing facing the wind and looking straight into the storm... fearlessly.

I know now whatever I discover about myself will lead me down the true road I was meant to journey.

I am now sitting in the quiet of the storm and I recommend it to everyone.

My summer of B.U.M!!!!

How sure are you about yourself and the choices you make/made for your life?

Have you ever felt you knew something, I mean felt it in every fiber of your being. The kind of know something that you are so sure of it that you would be willing to bet your life on it?

Have you ever been that sure of something?

I thought I knew something that well, I thought I knew me. I believed with my entire soul that I knew where I was headed and the road I had chosen I’d taken the liberty of mapping out for all of those “Just in Case” scenarios. I thought I knew ME that well, funny now that I think about it. I just knew without a doubt that the choices I had made for Deborah were the choices that I really and truly wanted. I just knew with no hesitation what so ever that Deborah was build and engineered “this way”.

WRONG!!!!!

Life has a way of throwing a few twists, turns, bends & forks in the road you so carefully mapped out.

When I saw that all that I thought I knew about myself was really not as I knew it, I sat quite perplexed staring at the great divide scratching my head and asking myself:

“Where did I go wrong?”

“Did I really steer away from the course I so cautiously and strategically pieced together for myself?”

“Deborah, I thought you said you were certain of this carefully selected and intricately thought out solution. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?”

I guess some would say that the road of life should never be mapped out it should be experienced in the same matter you would a surprise party…I don’t do surprises. Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I plan out EVERYTHING!!!! I am strategic in the way I want things to happen. I plan out step 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10 in my head before you even know step 1 has been carried out. I work out everything in my head before I take the first step.

Am I cunning and calculating? Perhaps. *wink * wink*

So we now get that I don’t like to be shocked or surprised. I like to know in advance what the agenda is so I can plan accordantly. To tell you that this summer was a SHOCKER would be a huge understatement.

This summer was a summer of BUM…no not bumming around doing nothing; instead it was a summer of Better Understanding Myself. Ideas that had always been present in me were shattered this summer along with crappy beliefs and shitty habits I had become way too accustomed to. Things I always thought I knew about myself turned out to be a façade for something far greater.

Events that occurred this summer along with certain people that came into my life compelled me to deal with myself and challenge some of the unpleasant and disturbing notions I had about some pretty basic subject matter.

Essential emotions and sensation like love, crying, simple affection, trust, true anger, real sadness, need and countless other natural impulses and instincts were just concepts I had not allowed myself to experience or take in. I had chosen not to accept any weakness in myself; instead I became totally apathetic about everything. I turned off all of these feeling to protect myself….so I thought.

Then there was the AWAKENING in this crazy summer of bum that stirred up all types of emotion and turmoil in me. I started to feel awareness in me that I had not experienced in years so this in turn forced me to ask myself:

“When did I say it was ok to feel that way?”

“Is it ok to feel that way?”

“Should I feel that way?”

I sat in a panic trying to figure out what the hell was going on in me. I retraced my steps and self assessed over and over checking for any signs of trauma that may have lead to brain damage. I know it sounds funny but to be a person that was pretty void of emotion and then to feel of flood of it rush upon you, it was pretty damn scary.

I felt true anger for the first time in a LONG time.

I felt love in its purest form.

I genuinely cried for the first time in almost 10 years

I placed my trust in someone else hands for the first time EVER.

My heart finally broke into a million pieces and I realized that this was a good thing.

I sat back and allowed myself to be submerged in these new feelings and I said
“Deborah, it’s ok to feel. Welcome back to life!”

This was my great summer of BUM!! I am glad to say I am not sure of a damn thing anymore other then how great it feels to feel again.

VOICES

Sitting on a bench watching the world go by and listening to the voices within them.

Watching the woman with the three young children and the other one on the way walk by I hear her pain and her yearn to get away. I hear her inner thoughts. She is worried about the bills and the fact that she works so hard for so little. She wants her children to be happy and she wishes their father would come see them. Her voice lingers until it is just a whisper as she turns the corner.

I see a man with a frown and I wonder why he is so unhappy besides the fact that he is carrying his weight in shopping bags. Our eyes connect and his soul answers me. He has just found out his wife is cheating on him and he is too afraid to confront her. If he tells her he knows then she will leave him and take the children. Should he just pretend he knows nothing and allow their life to continue as if nothing ever happened? His heart sobs for the wife that is no longer his. He smells her lover on her and he pretends all is well. His sobs go down to a whimper as he walks away.

Sitting near me is a very large woman eating cookies; I look at her and hear her heart. She is broken and disgusted with herself, so she feed her pain. She lives with a man that beats her and supports a grown child that hates her. She does not know how to express herself or how to say NO. She sits with her bag of cookies and the violent screams in her head are silenced for just a little while, just enough time for her to exhale. She is invisible to the world. No one sees her, her massive size, a cloak to conceal her from the world. Eating her cookies the guilt comes knocking and now she hates herself for being weak. She walks away and the piercing shrieks from within her head return with cruel vengeance.

I sit on my bench, my heart breaking, and my soul in pain. Does everyone in this world hurt or am I a magnet for grief? Grave agony and sorrow surrounding all of these poor people and they exist in their broken lives. How do they all walk amongst each other and not weep for one another?

Do you have a purpose?

Do you have a purpose?

Do you know your purpose?

Are you fulfilling your purpose?

If not, what are you doing to get to your purpose?

What I have come to realize in my own life is that I waste too much time and energy on people and things that do not serve a purpose in my life or contribute to my purpose.

My new goals in order to obtain my purpose are as follows:

1) Avoid people or things that are non-producing

2) Avoid people or things that distract from my purpose Setting these two goals was the first step I tool in order to set forth in my purpose.

The second step was facing what I have done to myself and those around me and holding myself accountable for where I stand today (no pawning off your situation on others). It was time for me to make the wrong things right.

The third step was doing something that would push me into my purpose. I am back in school now and following my heart.

What are you doing to fulfill your purpose?