My summer of B.U.M!!!!

How sure are you about yourself and the choices you make/made for your life?

Have you ever felt you knew something, I mean felt it in every fiber of your being. The kind of know something that you are so sure of it that you would be willing to bet your life on it?

Have you ever been that sure of something?

I thought I knew something that well, I thought I knew me. I believed with my entire soul that I knew where I was headed and the road I had chosen I’d taken the liberty of mapping out for all of those “Just in Case” scenarios. I thought I knew ME that well, funny now that I think about it. I just knew without a doubt that the choices I had made for Deborah were the choices that I really and truly wanted. I just knew with no hesitation what so ever that Deborah was build and engineered “this way”.

WRONG!!!!!

Life has a way of throwing a few twists, turns, bends & forks in the road you so carefully mapped out.

When I saw that all that I thought I knew about myself was really not as I knew it, I sat quite perplexed staring at the great divide scratching my head and asking myself:

“Where did I go wrong?”

“Did I really steer away from the course I so cautiously and strategically pieced together for myself?”

“Deborah, I thought you said you were certain of this carefully selected and intricately thought out solution. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?”

I guess some would say that the road of life should never be mapped out it should be experienced in the same matter you would a surprise party…I don’t do surprises. Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I plan out EVERYTHING!!!! I am strategic in the way I want things to happen. I plan out step 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10 in my head before you even know step 1 has been carried out. I work out everything in my head before I take the first step.

Am I cunning and calculating? Perhaps. *wink * wink*

So we now get that I don’t like to be shocked or surprised. I like to know in advance what the agenda is so I can plan accordantly. To tell you that this summer was a SHOCKER would be a huge understatement.

This summer was a summer of BUM…no not bumming around doing nothing; instead it was a summer of Better Understanding Myself. Ideas that had always been present in me were shattered this summer along with crappy beliefs and shitty habits I had become way too accustomed to. Things I always thought I knew about myself turned out to be a façade for something far greater.

Events that occurred this summer along with certain people that came into my life compelled me to deal with myself and challenge some of the unpleasant and disturbing notions I had about some pretty basic subject matter.

Essential emotions and sensation like love, crying, simple affection, trust, true anger, real sadness, need and countless other natural impulses and instincts were just concepts I had not allowed myself to experience or take in. I had chosen not to accept any weakness in myself; instead I became totally apathetic about everything. I turned off all of these feeling to protect myself….so I thought.

Then there was the AWAKENING in this crazy summer of bum that stirred up all types of emotion and turmoil in me. I started to feel awareness in me that I had not experienced in years so this in turn forced me to ask myself:

“When did I say it was ok to feel that way?”

“Is it ok to feel that way?”

“Should I feel that way?”

I sat in a panic trying to figure out what the hell was going on in me. I retraced my steps and self assessed over and over checking for any signs of trauma that may have lead to brain damage. I know it sounds funny but to be a person that was pretty void of emotion and then to feel of flood of it rush upon you, it was pretty damn scary.

I felt true anger for the first time in a LONG time.

I felt love in its purest form.

I genuinely cried for the first time in almost 10 years

I placed my trust in someone else hands for the first time EVER.

My heart finally broke into a million pieces and I realized that this was a good thing.

I sat back and allowed myself to be submerged in these new feelings and I said
“Deborah, it’s ok to feel. Welcome back to life!”

This was my great summer of BUM!! I am glad to say I am not sure of a damn thing anymore other then how great it feels to feel again.