...if you're lucky

I close my eyes and all I see is his gorgeous smiling face.
A love so amazingly pure bore in his jade eyes.
A love so beautiful it could only occur once in a lifetime...if you’re lucky.
In his arms I was whole and now separated from him my heart has fallen to pieces, a mountain of puzzles missing the most critical parts.
His love pulled me together and now tears me apart.
I never knew my heart could love so greatly and equally ache for the same person.
I close my eyes and all I see is his gorgeous smiling face.

Excerpt from "THE SEDUCTION"

Her sleep was filled with restlessness, her dreams brimming with violent thoughts. Her mind haunted with visions of her lovers attempting to kill one another, fighting to stake their claim on her. They both wanted her and were willing to die to prove it. They sized each other up, murder occupying their eyes. She was the object of their obsession, nothing mattered to them but her, they would both rather die than accept the others victory. She could not understand the fierceness in their eyes. She had wanted them both and took what she needed from each, yet they stood facing each other ready to destroy their competition instead of aiming their fury at her, the true reason of their anger.

She cringed between them, true conflict breaking her heart. How had she ended up here? She truly was in love with Mateo her white night but she had and unseen and uncontrollable lustful bond to Alexander the beast that unlocked her heart so many years ago and never let her go.
Now after all of the secrets and all of the lies that she had carefully orchestrated they were faced off, no way for her to stop them, no way for her to calm them, at this moment she was not even seen by them.

Alexander’s growl growing from deep within his massive body, twice his rival’s size was answered by Mateo's low threatening hiss. Mateo’s slow fluid movements potent with predatory grace as he inched closer to Alexander, filling her with a terror she had never experienced in his presence. Alexander stood as motionless as a statue, his ferocious eyes never losing focus of Mateo. An aggressive and intimidating stance set by both of these powerful men in anticipation of the destructive battle to come.

She wanted them both, she was greedy with desire, she could in no way choose between her lovers. She had a carnal hunger for them, a yearning that could now only be satisfied by these two uncanny men. She hated them for putting her in this position but she hated herself more for putting them in this situation. Her love for one and her lust for the other were too strong for a mere human like her to deal with. She wanted what each of them offered her aching heart. She wanted to be truly loved and desired, she wanted to be the center of someone attention and universe. They fed her every emotion and that; she could never again live without.

She screamed as the two men lunged toward one another, only to wake up in a cold sweat, her husband lying by her lightly snoring. He had no idea of the things her heart desired or of the two extremely dangerous supernatural men that would be willing to kill to be with his invisible wife.

Deborah Navarro
Based on a true story that I made up in my head

Sitting In the Quiet of the Storm

Have you ever tried to quiet you mind through the ferocious storm of your thoughts?
Let me tell you, this is not an easy task.

A very close friend of mine has been trying to teach me how to quiet my mind and just be in order for me to better deal with the madness in my head in a healthier more balanced manner.

I could never do it. I tried over and over but the commotion and noise in my mind was always too loud for me to sit and feel quieted.

Have I finally figured it out?

YES!!
When did it ultimately happen?

In the end it washed over me when I was brimming with grief. The very moment my mind and heart were overflowing with emotion everything in my head quieted.
I heard nothing, I only felt.

(Feeling for me is a HUGE thing now days because I spent so many years becoming callused to emotion because of depressing relationships, abusive relationships, an unhealthy marriage and the list goes on and on… )

This overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss enveloped my essence and made me feel vulnerable and open, made me feel released.

Released you ask?

Yes, released. It was as if I had been walking through a haze and it was just now beginning to clear. I began to understand and see some of the things that had been dancing around my head and making me crazy in a more comprehensible perspective. I saw some of the issue in my life for what they were/are.

Had my perception of things changed?

Yes.

Sitting in the quiet, I saw a picture of what I wanted and what I felt was best for me but I also saw a representation of my life as a whole.

What do you stand for?

Who are you?

What do you want?

What do you need?

What is best?
These were all questions that floated around in the now quieted storm. These were questions that I did not look at with my BRAIN I instead attempted to approach them with my HEART.

Did I get the answers? No, not yet.

What did I get?

I got peace. My mind was no longer running faster than I could. My mind is clearer and I can see things better and analyze the issues in my life in a more insightful method now. I am no longer fighting to keep my footing in the storm, I am now standing facing the wind and looking straight into the storm... fearlessly.

I know now whatever I discover about myself will lead me down the true road I was meant to journey.

I am now sitting in the quiet of the storm and I recommend it to everyone.

My summer of B.U.M!!!!

How sure are you about yourself and the choices you make/made for your life?

Have you ever felt you knew something, I mean felt it in every fiber of your being. The kind of know something that you are so sure of it that you would be willing to bet your life on it?

Have you ever been that sure of something?

I thought I knew something that well, I thought I knew me. I believed with my entire soul that I knew where I was headed and the road I had chosen I’d taken the liberty of mapping out for all of those “Just in Case” scenarios. I thought I knew ME that well, funny now that I think about it. I just knew without a doubt that the choices I had made for Deborah were the choices that I really and truly wanted. I just knew with no hesitation what so ever that Deborah was build and engineered “this way”.

WRONG!!!!!

Life has a way of throwing a few twists, turns, bends & forks in the road you so carefully mapped out.

When I saw that all that I thought I knew about myself was really not as I knew it, I sat quite perplexed staring at the great divide scratching my head and asking myself:

“Where did I go wrong?”

“Did I really steer away from the course I so cautiously and strategically pieced together for myself?”

“Deborah, I thought you said you were certain of this carefully selected and intricately thought out solution. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?”

I guess some would say that the road of life should never be mapped out it should be experienced in the same matter you would a surprise party…I don’t do surprises. Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I plan out EVERYTHING!!!! I am strategic in the way I want things to happen. I plan out step 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10 in my head before you even know step 1 has been carried out. I work out everything in my head before I take the first step.

Am I cunning and calculating? Perhaps. *wink * wink*

So we now get that I don’t like to be shocked or surprised. I like to know in advance what the agenda is so I can plan accordantly. To tell you that this summer was a SHOCKER would be a huge understatement.

This summer was a summer of BUM…no not bumming around doing nothing; instead it was a summer of Better Understanding Myself. Ideas that had always been present in me were shattered this summer along with crappy beliefs and shitty habits I had become way too accustomed to. Things I always thought I knew about myself turned out to be a façade for something far greater.

Events that occurred this summer along with certain people that came into my life compelled me to deal with myself and challenge some of the unpleasant and disturbing notions I had about some pretty basic subject matter.

Essential emotions and sensation like love, crying, simple affection, trust, true anger, real sadness, need and countless other natural impulses and instincts were just concepts I had not allowed myself to experience or take in. I had chosen not to accept any weakness in myself; instead I became totally apathetic about everything. I turned off all of these feeling to protect myself….so I thought.

Then there was the AWAKENING in this crazy summer of bum that stirred up all types of emotion and turmoil in me. I started to feel awareness in me that I had not experienced in years so this in turn forced me to ask myself:

“When did I say it was ok to feel that way?”

“Is it ok to feel that way?”

“Should I feel that way?”

I sat in a panic trying to figure out what the hell was going on in me. I retraced my steps and self assessed over and over checking for any signs of trauma that may have lead to brain damage. I know it sounds funny but to be a person that was pretty void of emotion and then to feel of flood of it rush upon you, it was pretty damn scary.

I felt true anger for the first time in a LONG time.

I felt love in its purest form.

I genuinely cried for the first time in almost 10 years

I placed my trust in someone else hands for the first time EVER.

My heart finally broke into a million pieces and I realized that this was a good thing.

I sat back and allowed myself to be submerged in these new feelings and I said
“Deborah, it’s ok to feel. Welcome back to life!”

This was my great summer of BUM!! I am glad to say I am not sure of a damn thing anymore other then how great it feels to feel again.

VOICES

Sitting on a bench watching the world go by and listening to the voices within them.

Watching the woman with the three young children and the other one on the way walk by I hear her pain and her yearn to get away. I hear her inner thoughts. She is worried about the bills and the fact that she works so hard for so little. She wants her children to be happy and she wishes their father would come see them. Her voice lingers until it is just a whisper as she turns the corner.

I see a man with a frown and I wonder why he is so unhappy besides the fact that he is carrying his weight in shopping bags. Our eyes connect and his soul answers me. He has just found out his wife is cheating on him and he is too afraid to confront her. If he tells her he knows then she will leave him and take the children. Should he just pretend he knows nothing and allow their life to continue as if nothing ever happened? His heart sobs for the wife that is no longer his. He smells her lover on her and he pretends all is well. His sobs go down to a whimper as he walks away.

Sitting near me is a very large woman eating cookies; I look at her and hear her heart. She is broken and disgusted with herself, so she feed her pain. She lives with a man that beats her and supports a grown child that hates her. She does not know how to express herself or how to say NO. She sits with her bag of cookies and the violent screams in her head are silenced for just a little while, just enough time for her to exhale. She is invisible to the world. No one sees her, her massive size, a cloak to conceal her from the world. Eating her cookies the guilt comes knocking and now she hates herself for being weak. She walks away and the piercing shrieks from within her head return with cruel vengeance.

I sit on my bench, my heart breaking, and my soul in pain. Does everyone in this world hurt or am I a magnet for grief? Grave agony and sorrow surrounding all of these poor people and they exist in their broken lives. How do they all walk amongst each other and not weep for one another?

Do you have a purpose?

Do you have a purpose?

Do you know your purpose?

Are you fulfilling your purpose?

If not, what are you doing to get to your purpose?

What I have come to realize in my own life is that I waste too much time and energy on people and things that do not serve a purpose in my life or contribute to my purpose.

My new goals in order to obtain my purpose are as follows:

1) Avoid people or things that are non-producing

2) Avoid people or things that distract from my purpose Setting these two goals was the first step I tool in order to set forth in my purpose.

The second step was facing what I have done to myself and those around me and holding myself accountable for where I stand today (no pawning off your situation on others). It was time for me to make the wrong things right.

The third step was doing something that would push me into my purpose. I am back in school now and following my heart.

What are you doing to fulfill your purpose?

Alone in her darkness

Alone in her darkness she allowed no one to know how far she had gone or how deep she had dug herself. She lay in her bed with the man that had vowed to love and cherish her forever asleep beside her. Her heart beating erratically, she could not breath, she would die in this bed was the thought that repeated itself over and over in her mind. She wanted to run she wanted to scream. Her life was slowing crumbling around her and all she could do was dig herself deeper and deeper into the abyss of her darkness.

She no longer connected with them she only existed. She watched them all live their lives around her while she inside just wanted to be alone. She felt smothered in her own skin and she felt like she was being suffocated when he got near her. Her anger towards him was over whelming so she kept her distance. She no longer spoke to him as lovers do; he had disappointed and broken her heart too many times. He was the reason that she had fled back to her dark prison. He was once a kindred spirit to her and now he was such a stranger. They would never find each other again; they would never be as they once were. She still accepted him in her heart but he no longer held the place he once had. She was no longer the woman he married she was now just a hollow shell.

THE TRUTH

Do you really want to know the truth?

I have come to terms with looking the truth in the eye and dealing with what stands before me. I can say with all honesty that it was not an appealing picture, but it was and is an enormous opportunity for me to experience life changing growth.

I had a very good friend tell me recently, “Would it have been better for you had you never known? What it had been easier for you if you continued to pretend this was not happening to you” I told him that I thought that his perception was interesting and very common and normal point of view.

Had I always been in the dark would I have ever missed the light?

I asked him if he had ever heard of the ever popular quote “The truth shall set you free”?

In my truth-seeking personal search I have found that periodically the truth is what gets us moving, gets our blood flowing and every so often it is the truth that truly saves our lives from the mediocrity that we have allowed ourselves to settle into. Sometimes in certain types of circumstances we find what our true intention and purpose in this world is and we learn to live life as it was intended to. We find that peace that has always eluded us. We find our smile.

Never fear the truth, it is there to liberate you and make you stronger. One of my favorite quotes has been greatly overused and if you ask any one if they know who originally said the words they never know but the words still ring true even 100 years after this man has died.

Out of life's school of war: What does not destroy me makes me stronger. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Good luck, get stronger.

Writing again and feeling good about it.
Fenix

I Stand - My MOST favorite thing I have ever written

I burn with rage when the flood of ill repent memories rushes me!

I condemn myself for all the idiocy I allowed myself to carry out or endure.

The flood has no remorse for me; it drowns me with its acid recollections.

I stand bold and unflinchingly brave, but deep inside… I curl up with fear and pain remembering all the tears and wretchedness.

I stand as it rushes me with all the inanity that I have accomplished in my lifetime.

I stand gallantly bearing its blows, but slowly falling apart like the sand of a child's castle when the tide comes in.

I stand as it shrieks…L E T G O…L E T G O….L E T G O

I stand as I feel myself overwhelmed with the wrath of past wounds…

I stand as I am submerged in this burning flood of pain, anger and rage

I stand and a fury overtakes me… I scream; "I CAN'T LET GO!"

I stand as this flood of blazing torture now whispers to me… "You can never heal if you never let go of the pain."

I close my eyes...

close my eyes and pray it all disappears.
Hoping that when my eyes open it will all be gone.
Awakening from a cocoon, will I emerge a different person?
Becoming a beautiful butterfly and no longer the timid caterpillar?
My biggest fear is that I have stepped back into my past,
that the evil presence somehow found me
and is claiming my future.
I notice things are somehow as they use to be,
I see that things are different but yet… the same.
Like waking from a nightmare just to realize you are still in it.
The setting and the people may be different but the dream is always the same.
How do you let go of the past when the past wont let go you?
I walk through dim halls carrying a tortured soul.
She speaks to me through unspoken words…
What are these words that come flowing out of my fingers and onto this very paper?
Are they the memories stored in my blood,
deep in my veins where they can hide and not be eliminated?
I close my eyes and pray it all disappears.
Hoping that when my eyes open it will all be gone

GROWING - A funnyshort story I wrote years ago

She stands on the scale and is not too shocked to see that just ten days ago she weighed about ten pounds less then she does today. She stares at the numbers as if coaxing them to change; "I'm growing" comes out of her mouth in an almost inaudible tone. She steps off the scale, blames the weight gain on retained fluid and begins her daily ritual of dressing, applying layer upon layer of spandex ands Lycra. She slips on her girdle for that "smoothing effect" then her all over control stockings for that "slimming effect" now that she can barely breath, she says to herself as she slips on her dress "Did this crap fit me this tight yesterday?"
She pulls on her blazer and walks over to the bathroom where the rest of the mornings formal procedure will commence. She applies her war paint for today's battle; Clinique and Maxfactor are the chosen shades of today's armor. She places in her visions tools (AKA contact lenses) into her tired eyes, she much prefers glasses but it is hard to wear what her size ten foot broke. Applying her lipstick she gapes at her lips, they look immense. She thinks to herself "Are they growing?" She walks back to her bedroom where the stench of human gasses just about knocks her over. She makes a mental note to tell the man that shares her bed that he has to get that looked at.
Standing in front of her jewelry box she contemplates the selection of the most appropriate baubles to mark the completion of this morning ritual.
Slipping on her shoes, she stands in front of the full-length mirror and instantly regrets the decision. "I AM GROWING!"
Tears in her eyes she decides and says aloud "Today is the day I will change my life, today is the day my eyes haveopened and the truth has been seen. I WILL NEVER BE FAT AGAIN!!"
"I thought you promised yourself that last week? Remember when your jeans wouldn't zip?" She hears in a mans voice from behind her.
She reject the urge to pull off her three inch heal and jab him with it so I guess she is growing.

The Nightmare

I was looking at some old stuff I wrote and remembering the pain and the heartache of my past life. I am no longer the person that wrote this piece or endured these things, I am a much stronger, wiser and better person now. I will never let this happen to me again...

Have you ever been in a relationship that was wrong but you had no way out? Have you ever endured something so tortuous that it gave you nightmares even years after it was over and you were in a safe place? I did and this is my nightmare...

I cower in fear trying to defend myself. I cry out "Please stop, please stop!" He shoves me; I go down so hard my contact lens falls out. He knocks me to ground and I find myself lying on the floor in front of the main entry of his home. He is now partially on top of me, he sees my contact lying on the floor; he steps on it as if he were putting out a cigarette. His fifteen year old brother is watching us from the stairs, he yells to him "GO AWAY, GO TO YOUR ROOM!" He puts his hand around my throat and demands that I "shut up and quit crying". He says to me that he is going to keep squeezing my throat until I stop crying. I know deep in my heart that one of us will die tonight. I know that finally, this horrific experience will be over. A fury ignites in me, my refusal to die as the victim. In a matter of seconds, in my mind's eye I see my parents, my brothers and my lost future. An inferno of rage has now been established in me. I no longer recoil, I fight and I pray that I get him at least once before I die from asphyxiation. I keep striking him but the man receiving the blows is no longer the man strangling me, but the man I am married to. I leap out of bed, confused, not knowing where I am. I look around startled realizing I am no longer in that man's home, I am safe in my husbands arms. I realize that this was just a dream, another nightmare among the hundreds I have already had over the years and I begin to cry. My husband knows what I was dreaming he does not need to ask he simply continues to comfort me as I weep. My husband reassures me and replies to my tears by saying "It's ok, you will never have to go through that again"