The List

Been having a pretty rough few weeks (I think it is 100% hormonal) and having a grand ol’time beating myself up every day, followed by horrific dreams at night. After having a lengthy conversation via morning coffee in bed and revealing text messages at work, the hubby gave me an assignment.

List all the aspects of you that you don’t like and look at them objectively without judgment and try to prove them as having no real basis. Then find gratitude for the aspects that really serve you

CAUTION!!! This assignment is MUCH, MUCH harder then it seems. I made my list of dislikes in about 5 minutes, struggled over my list of things I appreciate about myself for THREE HOURS!!!

My list was not pretty, and it left me feeling much more vulnerable and raw then I had expected BUT it was therapeutic for me to write them out and look at them. It was therapeutic for me to look at them and tell them “OK now prove that you are real.”  MOST of them (9 of 12) I realized had no proof other then my own perception…perception not proof (the other 3 I am sure my hubby is willing to argue with me are also perception).

So what did I come up with? I think it’s time to work on my jaded perception of myself.  I have gone over my list over and over today and can say with 75% certainty that 4 of my 12 are no longer on the list.

Try it.

Charlotte, named after the children book

Have you ever laid eyes on someone and the world stopped? I have.

Her name is Charlotte (like the spider, her mother was a fan) and she is my world. She is tall and sexy, her body is as curvy as a mountainous road and her eyes are as dark as the night sky. She has a perfect olive complexion and sweet dimples. She is beautiful. I love to listen to her talk about her ideas and thoughts; I adore hearing her laugh and giggle. She has the sweetest smelling hair, the color of a winter sunset, splashes of gold, red and orange and the softest most irresistible skin.
She is always so busy running a mile a minute but when she finally sits to relax and falls asleep she has the cutest snore, she breathes deeply and steadily. I focus on her breathing every night as I sit next to her I easily fall into a meditative state. I hear her stir, how long have I been in? I look to my watch 4:30 am, she will be getting up soon to go to the gym.
I get up from the soft green wing back chair in her bedroom, walk over to the closet and open the faux wall I made when she moved in next door to me. A perk of being the left in charge of this building.
Oh did I fail to mention, Charlotte, named after the children book, has never met me.

I’m here.

Ever have one of those moments?

You have been headed towards a goal, some huge destination and you have been so busy trying to get there that you never look up until you bang into the sign that says “YOU ARE HERE”.

I had that moment the other night. I have been looking forward to this specific event in my life to take place but I was so busy jumping through hurdles and climbing through hoops of fire to get there that I was so distracted that I almost lost the pleasure of basking in it when it happened. Ok so I didn’t bask in it (when it happened) because I was so pissed off about those fire hoops and hurdles that fat girls have a hard time conquering.

A few nights after said event occurred it hit me like a ton of bricks and I said “Wow Deborah, I’m here.”

Life happens and sometimes it takes up so much of our time and day that we forget to stop and enjoy our accomplishments.

Stop what you are doing and look around you, where are you? I bet 9 out of 10 times you are close to the destination you set out to be a year ago or even a month ago. It’s always seems easier to notice what we have not done or accomplished then it is to stop and look around at what we have. I can write a novel about all of the things I think are wrong with me but would have a really big problem telling you the things I think are great about me.

Ok so I am veering off from my point.

Have you stopped to look at you map and appreciate how far you have gone and how close you are to your destination?

What do you bring to the table?

Every day I ride the light rail to work, and every day I sit and people watch. Some days I listen in on the crap that they say loud enough for the entire train to hear. One of the things I have heard most often comes from women, some my age but most a lot younger.

“I want to find a good man to take care of me.”

Why? You can’t take care of yourself? What makes you think it is someone else’s responsibility to take care of you? Ok, ok I get it, some men like this kind of stuff and some women love being house wife’s but that brings me to the question: “What do you bring to the table?”


Do you anything to offer this man that you want to take care of you? You are a Burger King cashier (nothing wrong with that) trying to land and Astrophysicist. What do you have to offer this man? Will you have anything in common with him if you do happen to catch his eye? Can you hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes? Believe me this is not a pro man blog about how we need to give our men everything and anything they want, in contrast it is a pro woman blog that says we need to empower ourselves and give ourselves more then what we feel we deserve.


Ladies we are in the new millennium and we need to get off of our rears and get out of that 1950’s mindset that “I don’t have to do a damn thing but lay in his bed”. If you want to keep him you have to offer something, he is “taking care of you”. What are you giving?


We woman can be pretty vicious when we rate men. We judge a man by assessing his list of “valuable inventory”… in no particular order


JOB: what does he do and how much does he make. (How much do you make and what do you do? Do you want him judging you by this?)

CAR: what does he drive and how much did it cost. (What do you drive?)


HOME: where does he live and how much does he pay. (where do you live?)


BODY/LOOKS: does he take care of himself? Is he built like a Greek god? How many woman drool over him? (You know you do it. You want the man that every woman is falling over trying to get. I don’t even want to get started on this one, just going say look in the mirror ladies. Take a comb to your hair and put on a little lip gloss. Also I say this as much for myself as I do to you, don't jundge him because he is 15lbs over weight when you have 30 extra pounds on your rear!!!)

CLOTHING: How does he dress? How much does he pay for his clothes? (How do you dress? BTW Do not go out in public in your PJs and slippers and for the love of GOD leave the teenager fads to the teenagers.) . THIS IS NOT CUTE on a 30something!!!)


Ok now that we have gone down the list of what we look for in men and what we want…

What are you bringing to the table?

What dreams inspire...

He came to me in my dreams, a man as dark as the midnight sky and a disposition to match. He never said a word or even made a sound he was just there. It was as if I woke within my dream to find this featureless man using my body for his enjoyment. I tried to push him off but it was as if I was pushing against a wall of stone, he did not budge from my effort so I simply stopped trying. He merely continues to have his way with me as I lay beneath him prey to his wrath. I was not able to scream, not because he held me but because I had no voice. I had no strength for anything. My arms now lay limp next me to no strength to move, I just lie there and do nothing.


The haze returns.

I don’t know how long I lay beneath him only that it was like a dream within a dream and cloudy and confusing. I wanted to recognize this man, I tried to figure out who he may be or was. Did I know him? Was I really awake and being raped by this man concealed in darkness?

He looked directly into my eyes and he had eyes like mine but they were black. The whites of my eyes were black on him. I could make out long curled clack eyelashes that would have been beautiful on any other man but on this man that was raping me and stealing my essence they just added to his unpleasantness. Had I convinced myself that I had seen a flicker sadness cross his eyes?

He continued sliding in and out of me now slower as if he knew I was more aware now and wanted to take advantage of the lucidity and offer me a little pleasure before the cloudiness and confusion returned.

His skin was very much like mine, ridges, soft and smooth but black like the color of coal. He had eyes, a nose, lips a chin but yet no real features to be told of. He simply was a shadow of a man. I heard myself moan and this made him wrap his arms under me and grasp my shoulders so he could penetrate deeper. I felt his lips brush mine and his searing hot tongue make a trail to my neck and down to my shoulder where his hot breath burnt my neck.

The fog returns…

It’s Saturday morning, I hear my son running around the house with the dog…I can’t move. I feel exhausted, I could sleep the entire day but I won’t because of that strange dream. What the hell was that about? Who was that man? Why would I dream such a thing? I better not tell Ian, he with give me some sick Freudian explanation for it or he may say that he is the shadow man since I was upset with him.

Yeah better keep this to myself.

Been a shitty day for the diet

I killed it.

Death  by:
A cheese burger
French Fries
and a chocolate cupcake

On the bright side I did have a diet Dr. Pepper

BROKEN HEART

I have been feeling like my heart is shattered. You know that feeling you get when the love of your life has walked away from you?

Yeah that feeling. :-(

Alone.

Anxious.

Sad.

I am sure this will pass I just have to work through it and figure out what the loss is that I am mourning.

What do I think I am mourning? Who knows.

My freedom?

My youth?

My smile?

My sense of hope?

I’m having the quicksand dream again. Feelings of being pushed down by a force I can’t see.

I know I have an enormous amount of things that bog me down and I am sure they all play a part in these feelings.

My stresses in no particular order:

1) Work

2) Weight

3) Family

4) Finances

5) Life

What can I do to remove some of those stresses and feel less anxious and overwhelmed?

1) Workout – this would help my weight and stress

2) Budget better – and stick to it

3) Eat better

4) Find some time for myself

5) Move far, far, away from all of the bull shit.