What dreams inspire...

He came to me in my dreams, a man as dark as the midnight sky and a disposition to match. He never said a word or even made a sound he was just there. It was as if I woke within my dream to find this featureless man using my body for his enjoyment. I tried to push him off but it was as if I was pushing against a wall of stone, he did not budge from my effort so I simply stopped trying. He merely continues to have his way with me as I lay beneath him prey to his wrath. I was not able to scream, not because he held me but because I had no voice. I had no strength for anything. My arms now lay limp next me to no strength to move, I just lie there and do nothing.


The haze returns.

I don’t know how long I lay beneath him only that it was like a dream within a dream and cloudy and confusing. I wanted to recognize this man, I tried to figure out who he may be or was. Did I know him? Was I really awake and being raped by this man concealed in darkness?

He looked directly into my eyes and he had eyes like mine but they were black. The whites of my eyes were black on him. I could make out long curled clack eyelashes that would have been beautiful on any other man but on this man that was raping me and stealing my essence they just added to his unpleasantness. Had I convinced myself that I had seen a flicker sadness cross his eyes?

He continued sliding in and out of me now slower as if he knew I was more aware now and wanted to take advantage of the lucidity and offer me a little pleasure before the cloudiness and confusion returned.

His skin was very much like mine, ridges, soft and smooth but black like the color of coal. He had eyes, a nose, lips a chin but yet no real features to be told of. He simply was a shadow of a man. I heard myself moan and this made him wrap his arms under me and grasp my shoulders so he could penetrate deeper. I felt his lips brush mine and his searing hot tongue make a trail to my neck and down to my shoulder where his hot breath burnt my neck.

The fog returns…

It’s Saturday morning, I hear my son running around the house with the dog…I can’t move. I feel exhausted, I could sleep the entire day but I won’t because of that strange dream. What the hell was that about? Who was that man? Why would I dream such a thing? I better not tell Ian, he with give me some sick Freudian explanation for it or he may say that he is the shadow man since I was upset with him.

Yeah better keep this to myself.

Been a shitty day for the diet

I killed it.

Death  by:
A cheese burger
French Fries
and a chocolate cupcake

On the bright side I did have a diet Dr. Pepper

BROKEN HEART

I have been feeling like my heart is shattered. You know that feeling you get when the love of your life has walked away from you?

Yeah that feeling. :-(

Alone.

Anxious.

Sad.

I am sure this will pass I just have to work through it and figure out what the loss is that I am mourning.

What do I think I am mourning? Who knows.

My freedom?

My youth?

My smile?

My sense of hope?

I’m having the quicksand dream again. Feelings of being pushed down by a force I can’t see.

I know I have an enormous amount of things that bog me down and I am sure they all play a part in these feelings.

My stresses in no particular order:

1) Work

2) Weight

3) Family

4) Finances

5) Life

What can I do to remove some of those stresses and feel less anxious and overwhelmed?

1) Workout – this would help my weight and stress

2) Budget better – and stick to it

3) Eat better

4) Find some time for myself

5) Move far, far, away from all of the bull shit.

Someone else’s mess…

I am posting this even after I told someone that I was not posting it. I have my reasons for not wanting to post it but hey what is a point of a blog then to convey your thoughts right? So here goes my little piece of the net…


Someone else’s mess…

How often do you clean up someone else’ mess? I know, I know we all do it. We all try to fix someone else mess and sometimes we step in the gap and become their solution. This is bad news for us. After we figure out that we have become the solution to another person’s problem it makes it hard for us to do anything for ourselves because we then disturb this other person. Any movement we make now causes a major disruption in the person that considers you their solution. Once the DISRUPTION has come about, the anxiety, stress, fear, anger and a slew of other emotions for BOTH of you will follow because you are now TRAPPED.

Or so you think.

All you have to do to get out of this predicament is let go. I know that is pretty difficult in its self. We are afraid if we let go that person that uses us as their support will fall and bust their asses beyond repair. We are afraid they will not survive if we let them fall. Well guess what? It’s not your problem. If they fall and bust their asses well that is their problem not yours. You are not them and you are not responsible for their actions. They are just like you and can learn to function on their own. We cannot take on this persons mess along with our own. I know that sometimes they try to force it on you and MAKE you take it and then when they fall they want to blame you for the pain of their thorny landing.

DON’T TAKE IT, IT’S NOT YOURS!!!

What happens when you take it is that we then allow another’s person chaos to cloud our judgment, we develop this tough connection to said friend (leach/parasite) and we allow them to feed off of us. They don’t have to do any work because we do it for them. We then are angry and feel used and fenced in because we took their load. We start to let their problems and issues steal our joy and our sparkle.

Let it go….

You may have to try a few times before it takes and you may feel quite guilty for letting them fall but it’s not yours and every moment you give them is a moment stolen from you, your children, love…life.

Let it go…

WOW, I LOST TEN POUNDS!!!

Well I am not sure how accurate my scale is since my son has been known to jump on it and it may be off a little bit (buying a new one this weekend). I can’t say I feel ten pounds thinner or even see it but I will take what I can get at this point. Ok so I am not setting up my bikini photo shoot just yet but I am going to cheer for myself instead of beat myself up like I normally do. Ten pounds is ten pounds and I will go at this slow and steady and pray its 109 friends will soon follow and get lot too.


I have been trying to envision myself 109 lbs. lighter and I have to admit I am getting pretty excited. I hope I don’t look like a prune and end up with layer upon layer of loose flesh. I am hoping that my 34 year old skin still has enough elasticity to snap back into place. *fingers crossed*

I am envisioning a healthier, active, fun mom for my son.

I am envisioning being more confident with who I am.

I am envisioning shopping and loving it.

I am envisioning my poor body not aching anymore from carrying around my 2** Lbs. every day.

I am envisioning…..

I guess the list can go on and on but I won’t do that to you…today.

I can say whole heartedly that staying away from my old habits is a lot harder then I first thought it would be. I know that sounds weird of course it’s hard stupid!! What I am trying to say is that I thought that once I made up my mind to do this and told myself this is what we are going do and we are not giving up this time that I would just bulldozer over my attraction for chili cheese fries and greasy burgers but no IT LIVES. The mere mention of them as I write this got my heart racing and my taste buds on over drive. *wiping drool*

I have only been at this a couple of weeks and I am determined to stick this one out.

I have lost 10 lbs and I have 109 more to go but I am not looking at it like it is a huge number, I am looking at it as small steps to my goal one pound at a time.

Have a great one!

Deb

A journey of a thousand miles...

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-tzu,

How many of us have begun that journey just to bow out shortly after because we were not sure of ourselves? How many of us have gotten halfway there and then turned back because it seemed too far?

Many of us have given up the battle before we even begin to fight. I am one of those people. The trail looks too traitorous and exhausting so I give up without ever starting my journey. I am not like this about everything in my life but there is one thing in my life that has just beaten me to a pulp.

MY WEIGHT.

Don’t get me wrong, I have started this voyage many, many, many, MANY times in the past and sometime I am temporarily successful and others I never even get a few ounces off. I know what I weight and it has begun to eat at me every day. I look at myself and I am not happy with what I see, I try on clothes that use to be flattering and now wont button or zip and I am crest fallen. I know what you’re going to say. “Well Deborah, watch your diet and add some exercise to your day.” Yes that is very easy to say but not so easy to follow. When I get home from work it is after 6pm and I have to rush to get dinner made which gets on the table after 7 if I prepare some of the stuff the night before. I have to sit with my son for a bit and catch up with him and before I know it 9 pm is knocking on the door. My sons bed time, I tell myself, “Put him to bed then jump on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes Deborah.” NEVER HAPPENS!!! So instead I have been watching my weight creep up the scale like a crack on the wall, ever so slowly until you one day notice this HUGE thing on the wall. Well that’s pretty much how it happened. A year ago I was about 40 lbs less then I am now and I can’t say I saw it coming. I was busy with life and I let it bite me in the ass…or maybe I bit it and ate it and that’s where the 40lbs came from.

Now for most people that know me when I tell them how much I weight I can see the shock register on their face. Why? Well maybe I just don’t look that heavy or maybe they never realized I was that fat. Who knows but I am not offended by it because I get the very same look every time I look at the scale too. I get the urge to throw it against the wall and tear it into little bits because it is so blatantly lying to me about my weight. I tell myself that I am not fat it’s the 100lb ass that I carry around that’s fat. Guess what? I’m fat. I can accept that and now I have to do something to fix it. I need to be healthy for my son and for myself.

In my head I weigh at the most 200lbs. ha, ha, ha been a while since I have seen that number. In reality I weigh 2?? lbs. ok so I am not ready to tell you how much I weigh but then again does it matter? Telling you the number is not going to change the fact that it is way too much for me…well actually it’s way too much for the weight of two average sized people…ok well maybe not quite that much but close enough.

So here goes nothing….*taking a step* starting my journey again for the 500,000th time. I won’t say that I failed every single one of those attempts because to me failure is giving up and accepting defeat. I know my weight issue and a lot more to do then just the fact that I am friendly with food. It will take work on me and a great deal of effort to break my old habits and create new healthier ones.

Here’s to the journey…I will keep you updated.